Trace
by alacarton
Summary: It was like meeting a blank canvas, with the trace of faint pencil marks left after someone had scrubbed them so carelessly from it. Lines he had drawn there, marks he had made, words he had traced with his fingers and heart. "Perhaps that is all that remains now, Tony. A trace."
1. Liaison

He was glad he had his apartment to himself tonight. Zoe had work to do, and he needed the space. Despite her care, her love, her compassionate ways, this was a night for solitude. The glare of the TV bounced off a face deep in concentration, or perhaps it was contemplation.

" _Special Agent DiNozzo."_

" _You of all people should know that it is Very Special Agent, Miss David."_

After so many years in the job, Tony was convinced it would take next to a miracle to surprise him. A miracle, perhaps then. One Ziva David had waltzed into the bullpen that very morning behind Director Vance, and it seemed he was the last to know in a long line. No announcement, no real reasons. After walking out of their lives so quickly, here she was, sauntering back barely flinched when she appeared, and it seemed he and 'Ziver' had already chatted. A midnight basement conversation, no doubt. Even Tim did not seem phased by her appearance, delighted if anything. Abby had placed herself in the USA Athletics squad with her leap over the bullpen to smother Ziva in a hug. He had the distinct feeling he had been not been handed the memo that said to act normal, smile and be happy.

" _I am here liaising with NCIS for your current case. Nothing too formal, just because I have prior knowledge and know how things are done around here, and our target is Israeli. Gibbs mentioned he did not want Mossad involved, so here I am. I thought it would be a nice visit, at the least. I have missed the DC skyline."_

Bullshit, he knew it. In all honesty, he'd been a little too stunned to ask the questions that ran around his mind. He had missed her, that was without question. But he was angry too, frustrated, annoyed. Perplexed. What was this? Why was she here? Why had she ignored him for the past 2 years, and even now, continued to keep that wall cemented in place. Ziva did not seem to be offering any particular clues to a hidden agenda, and she deflected any subtle questions. In fact, she outrightly ignored him for the majority of the time. Add hurt to that was almost relieved when an excuse to leave her presence, choosing to hot foot it to a witness' home for an interview. She had barely even said goodbye.

It was Ducky that had received the brunt of his foul mood, later that evening, down in the depths of autopsy. He had deduced after roughly five minutes of conversation that Ziva had shared her plans with almost everybody bar himself, Jimmy and Ellie. Considering she had never met Bishop, and that Jimmy was immersed in everyday fatherhood, he felt the odd one out. After everything that had happened nearly 2 years ago, everything he had offered and given to her, this was her thanks. For crying out loud, they both knew what had happened on that trip.

The good doctor had urged him to be patient, to be cautious, that he did not know what Ziva's frame of mind was, that surely she would want to speak in private. Clearly, it was healed enough for her to have plans to meet and drink and dine, but not so much as to converse with her partner of 8 years. Not to mention the man that had risked it all for her. It wasn't that Tony felt she owed something to him, it wasn't even that he wanted the gratitude, wanted her to thank him - he could just not understand why he was suddenly persona non grata, and how things had soured. It had taken him so many years to begin to understand that woman, and now? Now he had not a clue where to start. There was barely even a hint, a trace of the woman he had left in Israel. Sure, he had hoped it would be a different Ziva that greeted him next time. He just wasn't sure this was what he had been hoping for. He wasn't even sure _what_ he had been hoping for anymore.

With a heavy sigh, and a long sip of what he expected was to be the first of many beers that night, he focused back in to the movie, letting his thoughts continue to spin.


	2. The Best Little Bar in Town

_Getting too old for these long days after long nights, Tony._

His head was pounding, and he'd regretted finishing most of the case of 12 the previous evening, as well as telling Gibbs he would finish the report before heading home. Plus, all this business with Ziva had thrown a spanner in the very finely tuned works of his head. She had not reappeared at the Navy Yard (so much for _liaising_ ) andGibbs was remaining tight lipped as to _what_ exactly she was contributing to this case. The combination had served to bubble into what was now broaching a migraine of epic proportions.

Sat at his desk alone, the night now well drawn in, he wished he was at home, on his sofa, perhaps a Bond film on, preferably a large bowl of popcorn accompanying him. But his back still ached, and his eyes still throbbed, and he felt like death warmed up. The dull electric glow from the bullpen lights did nothing to help him, and even coffee had not inched him closed to feeling remotely alright. The more he tried to focus on the piece of paper in front of him, the more the words seemed to muddle themselves up.

" Ah, yesh. A ten-ay-shus enemy has approashed, Mr Bond…"

" You know, I am sure Sean Connery would be flattered, but your report will never quite make it as a Bond script." Tony jumped as Zoe spoke, earning a laugh from the brunette as she leant against the edge of his desk. " Sorry, _Spider Bond_. Did I give you a fright?" Tony gave her a smirk, leaning back in his chair with a stretch.

" Just keeping me on my toes, that's all. Nothing I can't handle." Keates rolled her eyes, folding her arms as she chuckled.

" Mhm. Well, I think a little refreshment could go a long way to contributing to that too. How about we go and grab something to eat? I was dropping case files off to the legal department, interesting case, but now, I'm all yours." If truth had been told, Tony would have been content to have headed straight for his apartment, and collapsed into the (now double) bed that awaited him. Looking at the little smile on Zoe's face, however, he gave in.

" All mine, huh? Well, I can't let my lady dine on her own. Come on, I know this great place we haven't gone to yet."

* * *

" So the perp ended up admitting that he had smuggled this thing in from Columbia and that it fired some kind of dart. Really bizarre if you ask me, but hey, everything goes these days."

" Real Ace Ventura kinda thing, huh?"

" Isn't that a kid's film?"

" What, are you kidding me?!" Tony nearly dropped his fork with the dramatic wave of his hand that followed. Zoe rolled her eyes, taking a bite of pizza instead of replying, a smirk tugging at the edges of her lips. Tony huffed slightly at the lack of reaction, prodding at the remainder of his own pizza with his fork. " Aaaaalrighty then."

" I'm sorry, White Devil. I'll try better next time."

" Very funny. Tough guy, huh? You know what I do with tough guys? I take them home and subject them to a 3 hour marathon of...of..." He trailed off, eyes glancing past Zoe's head to the restaurant door. It was _her._ She glided in, accompanied by a woman he did not know, bundled up against the autumnal chill in a long jacket and scarf, and stopped at the bar, chatting with her companion. Zoe's eyes followed his, turning her head to peer at what had attracted his attention. She frowned slightly, before looking back to him, a chuckle passing her lips.

" Do you know her?"

" _Officer_ David is an old colleague."

He looked at her, pausing for a moment, before shrugging lightly, offering nothing more. Keates watched him, an eyebrow raising, a slight suspicion rising in her eyes.

" Officer? Is she a police colleague?"

" No, she's... she's Ziva. Ziva David. Ex-NCIS, ex/not ex-Mossad's finest little Israeli ninja. Looks like a flower, stings like an Asian giant hornet."

Zoe's lips tightened slightly, glancing back at the two women in the bar again, before looking back to Tony, shrugging.

" Ah...so that's Ziva. So why not go and say hi? It must be nice to see her again, you don't have to hide that from me-"

" I'm not hiding anything." His reply with a little more curt than he would have intended, and it caught him off guard slightly, forcing him to immediately follow it up. " Things are just...a little complicated, that's all. You know its a long story. I'm still not entirely sure why she is here, and Gibbs isn't exactly being forthcoming. He-" He stopped again, this time because he realised they had been spotted, and that Ziva had left her companion and was approaching their table. Clearing his throat, he sat up a little, Zoe taking a sip from her wine as her eyes followed the approaching women.

" It is a surprise to meet you here, Special Agent DiNozzo." Ziva's voice was light, her eyes not meeting his. She immediately reached out to Zoe before he could reply, extending a hand. " I'm sorry, I don't believe we have met. I am Ziva David."

" Zoe Keates. It's nice to meet you, Spider's told me a lot about you."

Tony twitched slightly at the nickname, eyes flickering to Keates, before firmly planting back on the Israeli.

" Didn't realise 'wining and dining' was considered liaising in cases these days, Officer David." Ziva did not take the bait, merely chuckling lightly, gesturing towards her companion at the bar.

" An old friend, who may have valuable information in contacting our missing drug dealer. She has been of great help so far, and I am thanking her."

" Well, I suppose we can all be grateful for that, can't we." Again, his voice was curt, and Ziva's smile noticeably dipped. There was a pregnant pause, before Zoe rose from her chair, coughing lightly, before giving both a smile.

" If you'll excuse me, just need a trip to the ladies' room." She brushed past Ziva, ignoring Tony's protest, leaving the two alone for the first time in so long. Tony watched her disappear behind the frosted glass door at the back of the restaurant, before turning to Ziva, voice a low hiss.

" What are you doing here, really?"

" Well, it is nice to see you too, Tony." His name on her lips sounded so foreign, so alien...he had forgotten the way the 'o' rolled from her tongue. She folded her arms, smile disappearing altogether as she scowled at him.

" Ha! You have ignored me entirely so far, don't act like you are the victim here. What gives? What have I done?"

" You have done nothing, Tony. It is nice to see you have not changed, and that you are still enjoying yourself." Tony bristled at her comment, before a slight scoff passing his lips.

" Agent Keates and I have been dating for a little while now. You would know, if they had phones in Israel. Oh, that's right, they do! It's just you who seems to have a problem with picking one up."

" I am not here to poach a fight with you, Tony."

" Pick. It's pick a fight." For one brief, fleeting second, he felt that warmth rise in his stomach, the nostalgia washing over him. She had still never quite managed to get a handle on those sayings, even now, 10 years later. Ziva flared her nostrils, before straightening up, hands dropping to her side as Zoe returned.

" Well, I will let you two have some peace, I-"

" It's fine, we were just leaving." Tony stood up, eyes leaving Ziva to focus on Zoe, as he lifted his jacket from the back of his seat. " Come on, it's getting late, and I have a feeling this case will need an early night." His eyes shifted back to Ziva as he tugged on his jacket. "Plus, I am sure your companion is getting bored by herself at that bar. Only so many times you can read a wall plaque..." He laid cash on the small plate for the bill, and brushed past her without another word, making a beeline for the door. Zoe glanced after him, a slight frown on her face, before sighing, pulling her jacket from the chair and following after him.

* * *

" You are only ever this quiet when you are upset or puzzled, Spider." There was no response from the man next to her. Zoe leant over to turn off the dim bedside light, before rolled over to lean into his chest, prodding a finger into the dark curls of hair. " Tony?"

He let out a soft sigh, finally acknowledging her by placing a gentle arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him and planting a soft kiss to her temples. She nudged him gently again, pulling the covers further up around them both and reaching up to reply with a gentle kiss to his cheek. " You can speak to me, you know. I'm not going to turn into the jealous, psychotic girlfriend."

" You are the last person I would want to be angry at me. Too good with a gun."

Both laughed gently, Tony giving her soft squeeze, before speaking again. " I just don't understand what she is doing here. She said she was not coming back. She wanted nothing to do with Mossad."

" Well, people change, Spider. That's just the nature of life-"

" She wanted nothing to do with us, with _me._ I accepted that, I moved forward. It was hard, it hurt, but I did it. I found you. I just don't understand why she has reappeared right now, when things are going so well. It's like she's determined to drag me back under, just when I had reached the surface." Zoe frowned as he fell silent, raising a hand to stroke his cheek, before he continued. " S'frustrating, is all."

" I know, Tony, I know that."

He drew her against him, feeling her breathe out against his skin, relaxing into him. It took only a few minutes for her breathing to even out, hand dropping from his chest, and he gently tucked the covers around her shoulders. It was going to be a lot longer before sweet, sweet sleep found him and he was in for a long night of thinking in the dark.


	3. Aht Lo Leh-Vah, and All That Jazz

" DiNozzo…DiNozzo… Hey, Tony!"

It was only at the mention of his Christian name that Gibbs finally got a response from his senior agent who, up until that, had been chewing on a pencil, staring far into space. They were in the middle of a case, for crying out loud, and here he was, boring holes into the walls with his eyes. Tony straightened up in his chair, adjusting his tie, before scrambling to his boss' desk. He looked like hell. The blood-shot eyes were enough to tell Gibbs that his agent had not slept the previous night, and he didn't like it. Sure, he wasn't expecting rainbows and sing-songs with their newest guest, but DiNozzo falling apart was not on that list either.

" Sorry Boss, was just…yeah, sorry. Metro called and they have nothing new on those files we asked for. The lawyer from yesterday is still trying to block that warrant, and McGee is up in MTAC trying to contact a friend for Miss David."

So it _was_ Ziva that had short circuited his usually cocky, smooth talking, sharp as a tack senior agent. Gibbs studied his face for a moment, watching the younger man's eyes. He had seen the look Tony had given her when she walked into the bullpen. He had known it would not be easy, but the reaction DiNozzo had had worried him. Enough to at least merit a question of concern.

" ….Something the matter, Boss?"

" I dunno, DiNozzo. You tell me."

Silence descended on the bullpen, Tony adjusting his tie once more, shuffling in his spot and plastering that _stupid_ smile he did to try and deflect anything. _Won't hide from me, DiNozzo._

" Nothing to report, Boss."

" No?" It was far more than a question; it was a demand. Tony did his best to resist it. He had no desire to open up to Gibbs. Not yet, and especially not here, where the walls had ears. There had already been rumours flying; Ziva's return had sent the usual office gossip girls into overdrive, and how he hated being the subject of idle chitchat and Chinese whispers.

" No. Did Abby phone yet? She had the tyre tracks analysing last time I was down there."

" Well, yeah. She phoned about 10 minutes ago. Did tell you. Found a match."

" Oh. Well, I'll head down to the lock up and see what she has for us." He turned on his heel, saying nothing else, despite feeling the burn of Gibbs' eyes on his back. He practically willed his feet to run towards that elevator, to escape to somewhere, anywhere, before his boss could chastise him for lying. He knew better, there was no escaping Gibbs like that. He had barely stepped into that elevator, and Gibbs was next to him. _Crap._ Even with this 'new' Gibbs, he was still as stubborn and still as predictably unpredictable. The doors closed, and Tony could feel his heart thump beneath his skin. Why was he nervous? He had had so many 'talks' with Gibbs that they no longer phased him, yet today, he felt like an obnoxious teenage being sent to the principal's familiar jolt of the emergency brake snapped him from his thoughts, and into the furious eyes of Gibbs. A sharp sting to the back of the head brought him into focus - it had been a while since that particular swift form of punishment had come his way.

" What the hell is going on with you, DiNozzo, eh? You're all over the place." Tony fidgeted under the glare, hand rising to gently pat at the sting on his scalp.

" I'm sorry Boss, I am trying. I didn't sleep well last night-"

" I know."

" I've had a lot on my mind—"

" I know."

" I am putting my head into this case, I just need-"

" I know." Tony stopped, jaw stiffening as Gibbs stared back at him. " I know, DiNozzo."

" Then why are you asking me?" He received no reply to that one, just that goddamn stare. He wasn't asking about his physical health. Hell, he didn't even seem to care about the lack of sleep. Gibbs knew him too well to let this slide under the radar. He turned away, leaning back against the railing of the elevator, eyes fixed on the buttons ahead of him. " I don't understand why she is here, Boss."

" She's got good intel on this guy." Of course he knew who _she_ was. Tony felt he had just swept through an imaginary tick-list in Gibbs' mind, confirming all of his suspicions regarding his latest behaviours.

" Cut the crap." Tony snapped, scowling at the older man. " For all we know, she is back with Mossad, gathering intel _for them_. You know, I thought she might finally have seen that she made a terrible decision putting any sort of faith in that nightmare of agency and that she should've-"

" Should've what, DiNozzo?" Gibbs raised an eyebrow, as Tony huffed, looking back at the wall.

" Should've made a better decision."

" What, and come back with you?"

" You don't think she belonged here, Boss? You don't think she belonged with the family she made here?"

" Well yeah, DiNozzo, but she made her choices. Just like she made the choice to not rejoin Mossad. She's a grown woman, she'll do what she wants."

" So she's not back with them?" Tony folded his arms, lips tight. "Well I suppose that is better than I was expecting. After everything Mossad has put her through, put us through, the years we spent-"

" This isn't about us. This is about Ziva." Even the sound of her name seemed to hurt to him, and he looked away, breaking the gaze. Gibbs was unsure just how convincing he was sounding, but the agitation in his Senior Agent was unusual, even for a situation like this. He hadn't seen Tony this riled up since the last time Anthony Sr had waltzed through DC and left his son scrambling after the pieces behind him. He wondered if it had always been Tony's natural reaction to any sort of emotional upset was to become this withdrawn, silent version of the man he was, and plaster a stupid grin on his face, and if it had ever actually done anything positive for him. If it had ever solved any of those emotional turmoils in his head. Thinking again, only Ziva, Jeanne Benoit and his father had ever had the ability to truly push the younger DiNozzo into this state. There was a spark in his eyes, and a bite in his voice, and Gibbs truly did wonder where his second in command's thoughts were. Once upon a time, he had been able to read him like the back of a book. This mind fog, and Tony's growing independence and assertiveness, however, made that difficult. He was proud of him, no doubt about that, and the last 2 years had been hard for the older man to watch. There had been many quiet nights in his basement, he quietly sanding a new crossbeam for his latest work, Tony quietly sipping on a glass of bourbon in the corner, and it would have been wrong for him to pry too far. He didn't have to, after so many years around both he and Ziva, but he still felt there was something left unsaid, something private and secret. He was uneasy at the sudden handicap Tony had of not being Gibbs readable, and Ziva's presence had all but set Tony to truly tin-foiled.

" Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to pause my entire life for Ziva David. For her to come floating through the door and for me to kneel in front of her once more, and grovel at her feet for her to stay. Not that it works, let me tell you. And for what, exactly? For her to act like she barely knows me, like we are old, vague colleagues with nothing in common. No thanks, Boss. Abby told me a long time ago to stop putting my life on hold for her, because she was never going to come back, and I was making myself miserable. That's what I did. I moved forward" Tony let a deep sigh, leaning back on the railings once more, and looking up to the roof, Ziva's words from the previous night ringing in his ears. "And I am happy. Very happy. If _Dah-veed_ thinks she can just walk in and uproot everything… she crashed our dinner date last night, for crying out loud. She doesn't have the right to just walk back into my life and-"

" She's missed you, Tony. Said so herself." His reply was as scoff from the younger man, as he pushed himself off the railing, teeth clenched, and faced up to him. Gibbs couldn't tell what was more prominent: the burn of anger in his eyes, or the deep sting of hurt in his voice.

" Yeah? Well, she chose to leave. I went to hell and back to show her, to prove to her, that she was not alone. _Aht lo leh-vahd_ , and all that jazz." The furl of sarcasm slipped from his tongue, and Tony let himself breathe. The memory of that night, the weeks and days before it. Eli, Jackie Vance. Ziva's tears and steely determination... or maybe it was cool, cold distancing. Maybe she had known from then, maybe she had planned it all. Maybe everything she had told him was just part of that wonderful facade she strung up, fooling all who fell into her web. He did not have a chance to ponder this much before Gibbs spoke once more.

" What _happened_ in Israel, DiNozzo, that I don't know?" It was a question Tony had not been expecting at that moment (God knows, he'd avoided it from so many people before). He had rarely mentioned his time in that country, his frantic search for any trace of her, the emotional baggage that came from that time in his life. For months afterwards, he could still see the gentle sheen of sweat on olive skin, still smell the sweet musk from her hair, still _taste_ her…and it had haunted him for so many a sleepless night. It was a memory now bathed in a bitter 'told-you-so's, and a reminder of just how wrong he had got her. Zoe's fireball appearance back into his life had put those lonely nights mostly to bed, and he had found himself more content, more at peace with the world than he had been in a long time. She was the eye in his hurricane; a breathtakingly beautiful, peaceful place to rest between the battering gales.

" I found her, and she didn't want to be found." It was not the voice in his head that spoke, and he was glad. The last thing he needed was for Gibbs to confirm his suspicions ( _Tony, he knows, he is Gibbs, of course he knows)_. Gibbs could carry on thinking _(getting it absolutely correct)_ and he would be saved from further explanation. "You were right. Everyone was right, but me. I gave her everything, offered her the world, and she still made the decision she did. I had nothing more to give her, and that was clearly not good enough. She made that call, and I took the damn hint. I'm still taking that damn hint, and she had no right to throw a curveball like that. Like this." Tony didn't give him a chance to reply, before leaning over and flicking the power back on, the jolt of the elevator almost a comfort. Despite saying nothing, Tony knew he had given himself just enough rope to hang himself. Gibbs knew. Gibbs always knew. The rest of the ride was in silence, his Boss saying nothing. Not even a reply. What the hell was he thinking? After a few seconds more of silence, Tony finally piped up once more, voice much quieter than the snarl of anger that had been previously.

" You ever watch the Wonder Years, Boss?"

There was a grunt of a reply from the now stoic man, almost masked by the whirr of machinery, and a soft ' _ping'_ as the elevator arrived at the bottom floor.

"I never knew until that moment how bad it would hurt to lose something you never really had".


	4. Salt in the Wound

_Once again, thank you all for the very kind views, favourites, follows and reviews. They mean the world, and I hope you are enjoying reading as much as I am enjoying writing. I don't believe in giving much away, and very much agree with my kind reviewer who said that the twists and turns of a story are the most enjoyable part (or so I hope). One point I will address, however: the order of the names. I will not say much, only that I am a stickler for order, especially of the alphabetic kind!_

 _As always, please enjoy!_

* * *

Deep in the belly of the NCIS building, the relative peace (peace was an understatement with the continual music blasting through the double doors) of the forensic's lab had been shattered, and the sounds of a rapidly increasing argument bounced through the hall. It was quiet elsewhere, the MCRT had been called to a scene, not that it seemed to matter to the now shouting young woman, who's voice managed to penetrate even the loud music.

"Woah, woah..." Abby raised both of her hands, eyes widening. " You said you were going to talk to Tony personally! Ziva! We had an agreement! The only reason I was not to say a word was because you were going to speak to him, call him, and tell him you were coming. How could you do that to him?! How could you make us, ME, do that to him?"

"Well, I never quite found the right time, we haven't spoken in so long…"

" Ziva David!"

" I know, Abby, it was wrong of me."

" Wrong is _such_ an understatement. Way beyond wrong, this is into, like, outright deception levels of wrong."

" Abby, please don't lecture me."

" Or what, Ziva?! How could you treat him like that? After everything Tony has done, tried to do, and still does for you, you can't even have enough respect to phone him, to tell him you were going to be here. You lied to me, to Gibbs, to McGee. Do we mean nothing to you that you can just do that?! Even if you and Tony had left things on bad terms, do we deserve that kind of treatment too? McGee is going to be so upset, he really struggled not to tell him!" Abby folded her arms, face in a deep frown as she bit her tongue to allow the other woman to speak, Ziva's growing discomfort obvious.

" I did not want to make things worse for him, Abby."

" And showing up here, unannounced is any better?! He _deserved_ to know, Ziva. He deserved to hear it from you, not for you to show up with no warning, and for us to look like we were hiding something all along! You know how important trust is to him! You of all people!" She stopped as Ziva nodded, hanging her head at her words. It took a moment before the Israeli spoke, in a much quieter voice than her usual, confident one.

" When Tony left, I thought I was doing us both a favour. By pushing him away, I was keeping him from being involved in the mess that followed me around. Particularly Mossad, particularly my past. He had involved himself too much since my father's death, and I did not want him to end up…damaged, the same way I was. I would have ended up hurting him eventually, Abby. He thought he knew what would be, but he did not. I…I had hoped he had moved on with his life, and I was unsure how to say I was coming. I did not want to interfere in his life. I wanted to hope that he would not care that I was coming, that he had found something better, something brighter."

" 'Hey Tony, I'm going to be in DC for a few days' might've been a good place to start", Abby huffed, Ziva falling silent again at her sarcasm. The silence hung in the air for almost a minute, before the Goth gave in and spoke. It was not in her nature to be cruel. As angry and hurt as she was, she could not stay silent. " Ziva, he missed you. It was like he was grieving. He was not Tony at all. You weren't here to watch his face fall every time someone mentioned you. You weren't here to see the way he beat himself up every day over leaving you in Israel. He must have wondered 10 times a day what you were doing, if you were safe, if you were _happy._ You could've called him. Told him that you were doing fine, confirm for him that he made the right decision. You could have made it so much easier for him."

" I was not sure that we made the right decision, Abby. How could I tell him that I missed him too? That I regretted allowing him to step back on that plane? That I had realised he was my one. My one chance at being happy with somebody. That I had failed to be even half as kind to him as he had been to me. Tony deserved better than what I had to offer him. Even if I loved him, was it enough? Could I have ever loved him enough to say thank you for everything that he had done for me?" She wrung her hands together, looking down. " I am sure Tony had great and grand plans in his mind for us. I am not so sure I would ever have lived up to those."

" You know that he would have answered yes to that, Zi. You know you would have been enough, 100 times over, for him." Abby's voice was gentle, an almost proud, but sad, little smile crossing her face. " Tony has such a big heart. You know he would have forgiven you and loved you for just about anything."

" Not for this. Not that I am asking for him to, that is not my right. " Abby stayed silent, nibbling her bottom lip, before Ziva spoke once more. "My father told me that I would dance with a man..." She paused, lip trembling, before continuing, voice broken. "Dance with a man who deserved my love. It took me a long time to realise that Tony was that one. Now... he is far more deserving of someone better than me. He has done nothing to deserve the hurt." She fell silent, quickly wiping at the stray tears that dare defied her stoic face. Abby moved over to her, wrapping her arms around her tightly, and placing her chin on her head.

" Oh, Ziva." There was silence in the room, save for Ziva's few quiet, reluctant sobs. Abby held her, gently squeezing her in the hug. " Regrets are the damn worst."

" I-I... I did not expect to feel this way when I saw him. It has caught me by surprise."

Silence fell again, the sobs continuing. Abby doubted she had ever seen the Israeli cry before, least over a man. But it wasn't _just_ a man, it was Tony. Tony DiNozzo. As she held her, images flashed back from her talks with him in this very spot. Urging him to pick up the pieces before it was too late. Begging him to move forward, to transform back into grinning, quick witted Tony, who hid behind that silk-fine veil and charmed everyone into believing whatever he fancied. Seeing him vulnerable, veil in pieces at his feet, had unnerved her, and upset her. She wanted to be angry, furious even, with the woman she was currently comforting. Wanted to ask her why she had crushed him like putty between her hands, stretched and manipulated him into following her across the world, before standing him up and sending him packing on a plane home. But this was Ziva, and she could not bear to hear her cry further. It was not her place to rub salt in what were very obvious self-harm wounds, that she was well aware existed on her delicate frame and soul. She argued with herself for several moments, unsure of what option to choose. The silence remained unbroken for another few moments, before Abby finally spoke once more.

" He let you go when you asked him to, as much as it killed him to do it. He did it because he thought that it was what you wanted, that it would make you the happiest. Tony has always played the joker, but you know as well as I do that he only wants what is best for everyone else. He's selfless like that. He never thinks of himself. He would have given you the world if it made you happy. He left you in another country, by yourself, because you asked him to. He gave up every hope and dream he had about you guys, and he did it with a smile, for you. Tell him what you know he needs to hear." Abby gulped, realising the enormity of what she was saying. Whilst neither agents had every explicitly talked about Israel (trying to get Tony to give away anything was like pulling teeth), she knew. She knew it had hurt them both, and she knew the stake that had been lost. From amongst her arms, Ziva let out a wry chuckle, a gentle flicker of love for the Goth in her eyes as she pulled back, swiping at her damp eyes.

" You always were fiercely loyal to Tony, Abby. I have always admired that about you, the depth of you ability to love and be loyal."

" Hey, no! I love you both. But this time, I need to protect Tony. He was crushed, completely devastated. I thought he was going to go off the rails entirely. Even Gibbs had no idea what to do with him, and then the whole 'Gibbs getting shot' happened, and it felt like the whole world had flipped upside down. I like normal, Zi. I like everything to be as it should. This is my family. Everyone is so busy trying to save the world, I feel like sometimes, I need to hold the threads together behind the curtains. " Abby paused, taking a moment to compose herself, before sighing heavily. " Sometimes, things just don't go the way we thought they would. Gibbs lives in the past so much, and we both know how well that goes. I don't think I could _handle_ Tony starting to do that too. Or you, for that matter."

Ziva laughed again lightly, wiping her face a final time. " Tony, building boats? I cannot imagine it. The bourbon perhaps, though." Abby shared a grin, the edges of it slipping slightly, which Ziva cottoned on to quickly. "What it is?"

" You need to speak to him, Ziva. I mean, really, like, properly speak to each other. I don't know the whole story with Israel, and honestly, it is yours to stay private. But you both matter to me, and I would like you to be able to come and visit without World War 3 breaking out. You still belong here, Zi. We're still your family. You haven't even got to spend time with Bishop really yet, she is great. And Delilah, McGee's Delilah! You've missed so much, and it isn't fair. If you and Tony could talk, maybe you could move past 'not speaking' to 'at least speaking'. It would be great to have a everybody back together, even just for a little while."

" Abby, I really don't know if I can-" Abby folded her arms again, scowl returning to her face as Ziva faltered.

" You have to promise me you are going to try and make this better, Ziva. I never said perfect, but better. It has to start somewhere. You have to clear the air with him. Please? For me, if nothing else?" The pleading look in the Goth's eyes, for peace, for normalcy, for harmony within her beloved family, made Ziva's heart hurt. She had never meant for her departure to hurt the way it had, especially to Abby; innocent Abby, good-hearted Abby, Abby who only wanted for her loved ones to be happy. With a deep sigh, she gave in.

" Alright. I will speak to him. I promise."


	5. Intrusion

_Once again, thank you for all your kind reviews, views, follows and favourites. They mean the world to me, and I am humbled by the time taken to read my postings! A shorter chapter today, as there has been a lot going on in my world right now. Next week, however, bonus chapter as a make up!_

 _As always, please enjoy!_

* * *

 _Abby said we should speak. This is clearly madness, Ziva. There are so many times we could speak that do not include this. Plenty of chances at work. Why did you think this was a good idea?_

 _But this is the best way to privately speak to him. To explain, and apologise._

 _This is still madness. Ridiculous madness._

Climbing the last few steps to the correct floor, Ziva wondered just why she had decided this was a better idea than simply cornering Tony in the elevator at work. More privacy, of course, and more comfortable than the stuffy metallic box. But the memories that came flooding back from this building bothered her more than she cared to admit; her father's death, Iland Bodnar, her last days in the US. Her stay at Tony's apartment had not been a time she looked fondly upon, particularly through grieving eyes. Slipping through the security door, she stopped in front of the large white door, eyes hovering over the number. Her trembling hand hesitated, before knocking on the door.

The sound of the television inside paused, and footsteps sounded, before the door opened to reveal a confused face, looking more than befuddled at the woman that greeted her. Hair scraped into a ponytail and make-up free, clad in a red and grey Ohio State sweatshirt that Ziva instantly recognised ( _he_ _'_ _d worn it to the office that morning, the Adriana Gorgova case. How did she remember that?)_ with a pair of shorts. She looked a far cry from the sharp agent that had been in the Navy Yard that morning, but it was none the less Zoe Keates. Her stomach dropped; she felt like she was intruding on something private, something intimate. Ziva started, hopping back from the door, the two women staring at each other, before Ziva spoke.

" Ah, I am so sorry for disturbing you…I was looking for Tony…." Keates folded her arms, glancing over her.

" He's not in. Can I help with anything, Officer David?"

" Please, call me Ziva." Keates raised an eyebrow, nodding slowly, before leaning against the door, watching her, a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes playing across her lips.

" Ziva, then. Anything I can help you with?"

" I was just here to drop off some paperwork he had left in the office that is due for tomorrow." Keates looked expectantly at her, before Ziva lurched forward with said paperwork, thrusting it into her hand. " Gibbs was expecting it to be done, I know he does not like to disappoint. He has had a lot on his mind, and…I thought it would help." She had no idea why she was as nervous as she was, wringing her hands as she watched Keates leaf through it.

" Well, Spider doesn't do too well with change. Think you showing up was a bit of a shock to the system for him. 'Specially because he didn't know, didn't have a chance to prepare himself." There was no malice in the other woman's voice, but Ziva still felt a sting.

" I…yes. I…I owe him an apology for that."

" I'd say so." Keates drummed her fingers across her arm, as Ziva fidgeted, almost waiting for a follow up comment. " He's had a lot going on", Zoe continued, eyes focused back on the Israeli. " Pressure at work, looking out for Senior-"

" His father has been in town?" Ziva was genuinely surprised, and yet not in the least bit surprised that it had bothered Tony. Zoe nodded, finger tangling in one of the drawstrings for the sweatshirt.

" He's moved down to DC. Long story, you should ask Tony about it" The answer was more curt than her previous one, and this was not missed on Ziva. She chuckled lightly, with a shake of her head.

" I can't imagine him living so close. The two of them were never exactly the best of friends."

" Yeah, well, from what I hear, Spider was a bit of a different guy when you knew him. He's been more patient with the old guy. People change, I guess. Senior's got his charms, I'll give him that. Knows a few good restaurants too." Ziva simply nodded in agreement, glancing away from Zoe. It bothered her on some strange level that this woman knew Senior so well, that he and Tony had a relationship that allowed her to be friendly with him. Ziva David was not a jealous woman, and God knows she had no desire to be best friends with DiNozzo the First, but still, it stung. " Tony's always been softer than he looks. Heck, I've known him a long time, and he was like that even then."

" You and Tony…" She was unsure what she had planned to say. _Had history?_ Too personal, too prying. _Knew each other before now?_ That sounded much worse than she meant.

" We were close, in Philly. Worked the beat together." It was an answer that left no room for further information, and Ziva bit her tongue. Of course, they worked together, it made sense. It made it more real, that Tony had moved on. That she had missed so much in her absence that Tony and his father could now speak without World War 3 setting off. That Tony had important pieces of his history that she did not know, and had missed the opportunity to find out. That there was a woman standing in Tony's doorway, dressed in Tony's clothes, that he loved, who obviously now lived with him.

" I'll tell him you dropped past. Thanks for the paperwork." Zoe's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. She pushed them to the back of her mind, and looked back to the other woman, forcing a smile onto her face.

" I would appreciate that. We have not had a chance to speak yet, the case has been busy."

" Yeah, tell me about it." Zoe rolled her eyes, stretching. " Third night this week I have been stood up for his under cover shenanigans, he'd promised to teach me some secret DiNozzo technique -"

" Undercover?" Ziva's head snapped up, eyes flashing. " Tony is undercover?" Keates raised a surprised eyebrow once more.

" Well, yeah. Tony's been organising a lot of it. I thought you would have known, it is your liaison case after all…" Ziva pursed her lips, with a short shake of her head.

" I have been told…nothing." There was a slight silence, before she shook her head, shrugging. " I should probably go and check in with Gibbs. I may have missed the memo. Thank you, Zoe. Have a good night." She didn't wait for a reply before bolting down the corridor, willing her feet to move faster.

Once she was in the safety of the stair well, she let out the breath she didn't realise she had been holding, feeling the pit of her stomach lurch. She had not been prepared for that, and she was a whole range of emotions at once. Embarrassment for intruding, annoyance at being left out of the case, and was that a pang of hurt? Zoe had been nothing but civil yet she felt an obvious line had been drawn in the sand. The very way Tony's name rolled from her lips, the sweatshirt draped across her small figure, the whole situation, screamed _mine_. Not in a childish, spiteful or defensive way, but in a way that Ziva ached for for herself; comfort, at ease, even _love._ She should have listened to that little voice on her shoulder - speaking to him at work would have spared her this raw reality check. Mercifully, she felt her phone vibrate, and Gibbs' name flashed across her screen. She answered it without hesitation, thankful for the distraction. The distraction, however, gave her chills.

" Ziva? Got a situation with DiNozzo. Bomb squad are on their way. Need you at Quantico in 5."


	6. Deja Vu

Tony had never particularly enjoyed the part of the job where he _actually_ was taken hostage. Sure, he loved to quote every movie line to do with the damn subject, and there were plenty of jokes to go around, but actually being a hostage downright sucked.

" You know, I'm considering giving you a half star more on Trip Advisor for customer service if you loosen the wrist rope. Kinda like feeling all 10 of my fingers." His reply was a blow over the head, and he winced at the trickle of blood that came from the wound. " Definitely down to a 3 star now." he grumbled, shuffling slightly. His captor bent down in front of him, snarling into his face.

" Has anyone ever told you you are the most _insufferably_ annoying man to walk this earth?"

" Well, thank you very much, sunshine. May I add, you have just the cutest little lip curl when you are angry and-" He was stopped by another blow, this time to the face, and snapped back. " Hey! I need this, you know. Easy on the face." His captor tutted, standing back up, and kicking him as he passed by, earning another hiss of pain from the agent. It had been a good hour since he had last spoken to Gibbs, or any of the team for that matter. His head swam with pain, and he was unsure of the origin; the head wound, the ribs he was sure were broken, the probably quickly blackening eye or the hole where his pride had fallen. Gibbs had told him to wait, but no no, he had had to go ahead. Gibbs had told him the threat of hostages was a red herring, a lie to coax them in, but he had let his heart run away with his head, and been coaxed into this by his captors. In his defence, playing a tape of a young girl asking for help was a below the belt move. Whatever the circumstances, he had tripped one of their devices, and turned the entrance doorway into a pile of unmovable, smoking rubble. That was what they had planned, of course. Trap him, and lure the rest inside.

 _You always were too headstrong, DiNozzo. Too quick to rush in. What happened to calculated investigator, huh? Now, you're stuck. Stuck in a booby trapped building, with a psychopath and his armed cronies, who is using you to try and bait the great Leroy Jethro Gibbs into giving him the however many millions he thinks he is owed. The stoic silver fox never gives in. You're going to be mincemeat if he doesn't figure something out. Of course, it's Gibbs, he always does figure something out. He's going to come storming in that door, guns blazing, and rescue you. It'll be like something out of Bond, grandiose, heroic, graceful. A hero, that's what you'll be, Anthony._

Yet he figured it was very unlikely anything heroic was going to happen, and that it would be more down to good ol' Lady Luck.

 _Gibbs always has your six, Tony._

Gibbs had been shot, and new Gibbs had never quite found old Gibbs ever again. Not that he didn't trust the mighty L J Tibbs, but he had his reservations when it came to storming bomb-filled buildings.

The crackle of his captor's radio snapped him back to his current predicament, and he watched as the man muttered something into it, before moving to the door. There were voices behind it, none that he recognised, and his heart sank as quickly as it had risen. Two of the cronies appeared as the door was opened, and between them struggled a smaller figure, hands tied behind her back and feet bound, but still viciously thrashing at her captors.

" Get your hands off me! Manners are something they clearly did not teach to you in the Marine Corps!"

" Ziva?" Tony rolled his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall. " Great. My night, it gets better and better. Really."

" Hey! I said enough of your smart lip, idiot!" His captor stormed back over, clearly agitated by the new agent's presence. " You two are going to sit tight until I get my money, understood? If I don't get the money, then we are going to start explaining to your boss just why he needs to pay up."

" They aren't ever going to give you money, wise guy." His captor snarled at the response, shoving the barrel of his pistol into Tony's neck, leaning in closer.

" You are _really_ fucking pissing me off! I think you need to learn to shut your mouth and I am happy to provide that lesson." Keeping a stoic face (whilst internally forming several sarcastic replies to this piece of garbage), Tony shrugged, looking to Ziva instead, receiving a blow to the head before their captor stormed from the room after his cronies.

" Well, Miss _Dah-veed,"_ he drawled dryly, tongue flicking at his lips. " What a pleasure to have you join our happy party."

" I do not see why you are joking around. You are going to get yourself killed!" Ziva struggled against the bonds on her hands, huffing at the lack of movement.

" If he wanted me dead, I'd be dead already," Tony mused nonchalantly, tilting his head to one side to try and avoid the trickle of blood from a gash on his forehead. "Goddamnit, this was a Calvin Klein t-shirt, not to mention my favourite NCIS issue jacket…"

" Perhaps he has not had the chance yet! He has been busy in here wiring explosives, I see. Now that he seems to be content with his work, perhaps you shall be next!"

" No." Tony chuckled dryly, not a trace of humour in his voice. " They have me wired to the rest of the explosives. If he wants me dead, I'd be dead by now." Ziva paled glancing over to him, trying to gauge if he was serious. "I wouldn't lie about that, Ziva." Ziva's breath hitched, glancing over the obvious bulges under Tony's t-shirt, around the neck. He was indeed, not lying. This blew the plan out of the water; there was no way she could set him free without the bomb squad's help.

" _A chorbn,"_ she hissed, scanning the room, before letting a yell of anger out. " _Why_ do you have to get yourself into such ridiculous situations, Tony?"

The special agent raised an eyebrow, considering her for a moment, before laughing. " Gee, why didn't I just think about that? You know, why do I get myself in over my head in situations that rapidly spiral out of control?" He paused, licking his lips once more, any hint of laughter dropping from his face. " _Why_ do I let my heart rule my head, and end up somehow coming out worse because of it, huh?!"

Ziva stared, taking a deep breath, before shaking her head with a scoff. " This is not about the past, Tony, this is about you, making stupid decisions-"

" And you lost the right to an opinion on what I do when you gave me my marching orders, Officer David." He shot her that famous sarcastic smile, shuffling slightly with a wince, before looking away. Ziva watched him, frowning slightly, silent for a moment before speaking once more.

" I told you I needed to do that by myself. I have gone on… a journey, Tony. A journey of self discovery, realising who _I_ was, Being raised a killer, I sometimes wonder…who would I be had it not been for my father's agenda, had I not been trapped in that cycle."

" Yeah?" Tony looked across at her again, smirk returning, but eyes glowering. " "Well, I went on my own little journey of discovery. To the bottom of plenty bottles, and to the pillows of plenty cold beds, and you know what? Maybe I am a different person now. If you don't like that, you can high-tail it back to Tel Aviv. You always were good at running away."

This cruelty, this harshness… Ziva had to admit she was unaccustomed to it from him. She shuffled uncomfortably, trying again to break the seal of the ties around her wrist, with little success. " You have changed, Tony."

" How very astute. Older? Wiser?"

" Perhaps. Perhaps you have adopted Gibbs' self defence mechanism of cloaking yourself in ghosts."

That peaked his attention, smirk dropping, as he studied her. He opened his mouth to respond, before footsteps outside of the room caught his ear first. " So what was the grand plan, huh? You sneak in here, rescue me, we all play nicely? Because that's sure gone well."

" Do not mock me." The Israeli spat the words, glancing to the door again, before back at him. " They took my radio, and my wire. If you had not been here in the first place-"

" Well, I'll just leave then. Oh wait, that's right, butt ton of explosives around my neck." He paused, tongue flicking at his lips. " I'm having deja vu. Except last time there was more sand, little more heat, and definitely too much talking."

Ziva considered him, memories of Somalia floating into her own head, silence filling the air before she replied in a soft voice. " Couldn't live without me, you guessed? I suppose the last several months have proven you wrong after all."

" Those ghosts do their job well." He fell silent, eyes fixed firmly on her, opening his mouth to continue but interrupted by the return of their captor, brandishing a handgun. " Heya handsome, we were just wondering when you would make a reapp-" He was cut short by another blow to the face, groaning slightly with a wince, as the man leant behind him, fiddling with wires out of sight, before he hauled Tony by the shoulder to his feet. Tony instinctively flinched, glancing back to see the detonator left behind, catching Ziva's eye.

" This is the final straw. Ain't no timer any use to me now. A bullet in that belt will do a better job." The man shoved the agent to the floor, pointing the gun to his head. " Kneel."

" Look, you seem like a really nice guy, but I-" With a swift kick to the gut, Tony crumpled, swallowing as he knelt, spitting blood to the floor before glancing to his side, where the dim glow of a street lamp shone in.

" You see that view out there? That is the last thing you are going to see. You fuckers want to play games with me, then I think it's time we evened out the stakes. And you…" He looked to Ziva, smirking menacingly. " You're going to be my witness, and tell your agents just why they need to stand down. If you survive the blast that is." Ziva's breath hitched, unable to move from her current position, eyes meeting Tony's, before the gunman stepped closer, basked in the light from the street. " I'd like to say this has been fun, but, well…" He raised the gun once more, aiming it squarely at Tony.

There was a gunshot, the sound of shattering glass, a yell and ringing in her ears, a scream Ziva David did not realise she was capable of.


	7. Eternally Stood Up

" Tony?!"

There was no reply in the darkness, the light from the street having disappeared in a shatter of glass.

" Tony, now is not the time to play games! Speak to me!"

Again, there was no sound in the room. Ziva cursed, bringing her knees to her chest, furiously kicking against the binds on her feet, the rope slipping after what felt like an age. Using a now free foot, she levered the rope from her wrists, finally managing to free a hand, tugging the rest of the rope free. She scrambled across the floor towards where her parter had been sat, almost tripping on the unmoving body of their gunman. A quick glance to the window confirmed her suspicions; a perfect circle through the glass, sniper fire. The man was most definitely not getting up. She moved past him quickly, swiftly kneeling next to the silhouette of her former parter. Using expert hands, she lifted the explosives belt from around his neck, delicately lifting it and carrying it to the other side of the room, before dashing back to him. She shook him, calling his name, before placing her hand on his chest, quickly feeling the familiar warmth and wetness.

" _Harah_!" Ziva could barely see in the unlit room, the evening sky outside providing very little light for her to work with. Ripping her jacket off, she pressed it against where she had felt the blood, other hand slipping across his jaw, the rough stubble of the day brushing against her skin, gripping his cheek tightly. " Anthony DiNozzo, don't you dare!"

She received a mumble from him, releasing a sigh she did not realise she had been holding, tapping his cheek again, relief flooding through her as he cracked his eyes open.

" Fucks sake… g-got myself in another m-mess, huh?" He managed a weak grin, trying to sit up before curling in pain with a cry. Ziva hushed him, glancing down at the quickly soaking jacket, apply more pressure with a grimace.

" Do not speak. Only you, Anthony DiNozzo Junior, could get yourself into such a mess…" She gulped, managing the slightest of laughs, before shaking her head. " Gibbs is going to be most annoyed with you."

" B-Better not die then. H-He'd be pretty pissed i-if I-"

" You are _not_ going to die, Tony." It was more a statement then a comforting reassurance, said as an order rather than a request. " You are too important to too many people to die, you selfish hog."

He barked a laugh, wincing at the movement, before gritting his teeth. " It's p-pig. Selfish p…" He took a shallow breath, feeling the darkness claw around his eyes, brought sharply back by another swift slap to the jaw.

" I said no, Tony. Don't you dare. Gibbs, Abby, they will both be furious with you." Ziva was managing to sound convincing, but inside, her stomach was doing Olympic-worthy flips. She could hear noise in the bottom floors of the building, and prayed that it was the team, and that they worked quickly through the twists of traps and wires. " There are people expecting you home tonight," she paused, tongue flicking across her lips, before she pressed against the wound again, "You have stood Zoe up. She does not deserve that."

He was silent at her words, glancing sideways towards her, before looking away, wincing as he tried to move once more, getting a firm hand in the side to hold him in place. " She d-deserves a lot b-better than me, period. G-great girl. P-Puts up with...a lot." He swallowed hard, glancing down at Ziva's hand, before grimacing, and closing his eyes.

" You are a handful. She must have the patience of the saints. And you are right, she deserves better than to be stood up for all eternity by you." That earned her a soft snort, Tony's unfocused eyes managing to find hers once more.

" She d-deserves the world. D-Deserves to be happy. Happier."

" Don't you too?"

He closed his eyes with a groan, feeling the darkness once again closing in. " Ain't b-been happy in a lot of years, Zi."

It was the first time he had used her given name; it had been curt 'Officer David's instead. She had forgotten how it sounded on his lips, forgotten even how he had shortened it and that she had somehow preferred that. She opened her mouth to reply, before noticing that his breathing had changed, an urgent fear rising in her.

" Tony? Hey!" She tapped his cheek again, receiving no response, cursing loudly. " You are not doing this,Tony!"

There were footsteps in the corridor behind the room, yells of her name suddenly becoming apparent. She glanced back, heart pounding, answering the call with an urgent plea for help, and her plea was answered by none other than Gibbs himself. The older agent slammed through the door of the room, eyes immediately finding the pair, several heavily armed agents behind him.

" Hey, we need medical up here, McGee!" He was beside her in an instant, taking one look at his senior field agent, before pulling his radio up once more. " _Shit_ , make that stat, McGee! What the hell happened?"

* * *

" And you're sure that is what happened?" Gibbs had a hand on each of her shoulders, eyes fixed on hers. " Ziver, you couldn't have done anything."

" That does not make a difference right now, Gibbs! I _should_ have done something, should have thought of something. I should have known he would have stripped my wire, I should have seen that coming!" She shrugged off his hands, running one of her own through her long curls, tossing them out of her face. The clinic smell of the hospital irritated her, and the artificial light was painful, especially after the darkness of the night.

" Like hell… you need to get checked out."

" No, I am fine."

" Ziva."

" I said _no_ , Gibbs. I am not going anywhere!" She folded her arms, stubborn leaning against the wall, head turning from him. " Not until we have news!" The ex-Marine gave her a glare, waving a hand down the corridor.

" He's in surgery. What are you expecting to hear?"

She spun around to face him, a mixture of anger and fear in her voice. " That he is alive would be a good start! Even that he is going to live for the next hour, that he is not going to d…die!" Her voice faltered at the last word, chin trembling, hot tears threatening to betray her. Ziva David did not cry. Death did not scare her, she had seen enough of it to have become a realist. Yet, this was somehow different, just as she imagined it would be had it been any other member of her _family_ behind those dreaded doors. The little voice in her head laughed at the very notion, but she did not have time to consider it further.

" Tony's going to die?" The voice echoed along the corridor, both Gibbs and Ziva looking up to see Zoe approaching, hair scraped back, pale and staring at them.


	8. Rule 28

Gibbs wasn't entirely sure what time it was, but he knew it was late. The only light in the room was the soft glow from the various machines, and the only noise the quiet beeps they emitted.

It had been a long 3 days before finally, mercifully, Tony had awoken. Gibbs would never have thought he'd be glad to hear his senior field agent crack _another_ movie reference, but it has served to prove him wrong. He was by no means back to himself, but just hearing the younger man's voice had been a massive relief. Still fairly fragile, still insistent on setting off at least 1 alarm a day, and still doped to his eyeballs on painkillers, it would be a path to recovery, rather than simply a few steps. He had dozed in and out of consciousness several times, never truly himself, and it bothered Gibbs more than he would admit. He had lost count of the hours he has spent in this chair, stoic, silent and occupying himself with counting Tony's breathing, just to be sure. The magazines had quickly grown boring, and even the daily newspaper held limited interest.

" Boss?" He snapped his head up from the newspaper, putting it aside and leaning forward, Tony blinking at him through squinting eyes.

" Hey… welcome back."

Tony frowned, screwing up his face in discomfort as he tugged down the sheet from his neck, scowling at the drips attached to his hand, before attempting to turn to his side, instantly letting out a yelp of pain, huffing slightly as he sank back into the covers, Gibbs tutting in disapproval. " Guess the painkillers ain't masking it all, huh Boss?"

" You betcha. You know what day it is?"

" The day after yesterday?" Gibbs snorted, reaching over to pass him the glass of water that sat by his bedside, Tony grabbing it and taking a grateful sip.

" You're been out of it for 3 days, DiNozzo. Shot to the lower chest. Doc said you were damn lucky." He didn't receive a reply and upon glancing at the younger man, realised he was deep in thought. Gibbs sighed, removing the glass from him and placing it back on the bedside table, before sitting forward. " She's fine, Tony."

That caught his attention. There was a give away of a glance, before Tony went back to staring at the window, pretending to not have heard him.

" Who's that boss?"

Gibbs raised an eyebrow, before sitting back in his chair, picking up the newspaper once again, shrugging as he replied.

" You asked for her when you woke up once."

" Well, Zoe's a grown woman, she can look after herself while I'm in here." Gibbs looked back at him, the demanding stare making him look away with a low groan, sighing heavily with wince. " Was…was _she_ here?"

" Yep."

" Was she here when I asked for her?"

" Yep." His reply was a muttered curse, Gibbs peering over the newspaper at him, studying him for a moment or two. " Can't say Zoe was too pleased about it." Tony weakly waved a hand at him, expression pained, before tugging the covers up further around himself. " So…you gonna talk to her?" Again, Tony said nothing, choosing to study the window, the blind, damn, even the wall. Anything other than answer Gibbs right now. What a fucking mess. Gibbs sighed exasperatedly at the silence, putting the paper down with a smack, gaining the younger agent's attention once more. " What the hell is going on, DiNozzo?"

" Oh, I dunno Boss. I've just woken up with a hole in my side after being shot by a maniac with an arsenal of bombs that makes Tyler Durden look like he made a poor effort a la Fight Club, and pretty much can't move, which is just great, because you know how patience is my greatest attribute." He barely took a breathe before moving on, jaw tense as he continued, pace increasing. " So aside from nearly dying, and spending 3 days as a drooling, snoring comatose zombie hooked up to these creepy machines, what the hell is going on? Ah, right, I forgot." He managed a deadpanned chuckle, not a hint of humour on his face. Gibbs remained watching him, face unchanging, the only hint of acknowledgement of his rant the raised hand that signalled _continue_.

" More to it than that, DiNozzo."

" Well, of course. The woman I'm currently dating, the longest relationship I've had in a while, is probably ready to have me hung from the rafters because the woman that I used to love, who left me, you, NCIS, hell even the good ol' U S of A, on the airport tarmac in Israel, has magically appeared out of the blue and sent me into the kind of tailspin that even Tom Cruise's Maverick could not recover from. After all this time, and after supposedly growing, being more mature, becoming a better person, _this_ is what has happened, and I can't help but wonder what the _fuck_ I have done with my life in the last few years to make it so fragile, so easily shaken by somebody that made it perfectly clear she wanted nothing to do with me, who made her choices and didn't choose me. Who I walked away from because she asked me to, who has no right to waltz back into my life on _her_ terms..." His breathing became more laboured as he trailed off, blood pressure monitor skyrocketing quickly, and Gibbs reached over, shoving the oxygen mask to his face and pressing it down with a firm hand, a finger raising in warning.

" You done? If not, you're gonna have to be. You're supposed to be resting." The younger man could not reply, breathlessness keeping him silent, and Gibbs sat back in his chair, sighing once more. " Ziva told me what you said. 'Bout not being happy in a long time. That true?" Tony looked at him, a flicker of betrayal crossing his face, before he huffed, looking down at the bandages covering him instead, muttering through the mask.

" Old Gibbs would'a known the answer to that."

" He still knows the answer. The DiNozzo I knew wouldn't have made him ask," Gibbs fired back, steely eyes watching his Senior Field Agent. " Rule number 28."

" When you need help…ask." The words were almost bitter as Tony mumbled it, chewing on the very corner of his lip, before he looked back at Gibbs, something in his eyes changing. A wave of ice cold anxiety washed over him, his helplessness and mental confusion combining with the drugs to bring on a fear he had not experienced since his last long term visit to Bethesda. The blue lights were never all too far away in his mind, but right now, they danced along the very front, taunting him. Goddamn, he hated being vulnerable. He hated this emotional vulnerability even more, even detested that he was so damn readable to Gibbs. In truth, he had no idea how to approach his father figure anymore, particularly not to discuss this ongoing anxiety, the prolonged insomnia, the constant mixture of regret for the past (going back so many years) and his fear that somewhere along the line, he would end up like him; alone, in his home, one failed relationship after another, with a bottle of bourbon and his demons. His own father hadn't exactly had the best run with marriages either, and sometimes, he felt the weight of those failures lie heavy on him.

" How do you know you are doing right from wrong, taking the road meant for you, growing into the person the universe has planned, huh Boss?" It was a question he found himself batting to his own mind often, yet he had never had a reasonable reply as of yet. "How do you know you are not letting yourself down? How do you know you aren't hurting others along the way?" For one of the few times in his life, Anthony DiNozzo no longer knew which divergent path to take, unable to see past the fog that clouded his mind. It wasn't so much that he wanted to go back to that period of time, that

" Boss?" It was an ashamed, tiny voice that spoke again, muffled slightly by the mask, becoming more clear as he lifted it to speak, looking to Gibbs' once more. " I think I need your help." Gibbs huffed, sitting back in the chair, and raising an eyebrow.

" About damn time, Tony."


	9. Half A Man

It had taken a full two weeks before Tony had convinced the medics at Bethesda that he could go home and not injure himself further. He had had a steady stream of visitors in that time, the pile of flowers and fruit growing larger each day, but noticeably quiet had been Zoe. She had visited, but it had been with less enthusiasm than usual, and she had been uncharacteristically quiet. The topic that Tony knew had bothered had her yet to be brought up; Gibbs had warned him thoroughly that a hospital room was no place for that.

So it was that on the evening he was allowed home, he found Zoe waiting in the corridor. She gave him a smile that did not reach her eyes, slinging his backpack over her shoulder and not a word was spoken by either party for the entire journey, until they were safely in his living room, Tony collapsing onto the sofa, Zoe taking the chair opposite.

" Ugh, never been so glad to see my own sofa."

" You've been in there a while… so, how long are you going to be off work?"

" Well, the good doctor said a few weeks, so I'm aiming to go back to desk duty next week." He received a roll of the eyes from Zoe, shooting her a grin that was not returned. She shuffled in her seat, eyes watching him.

" You don't listen to anyone, do you?" It was a barbed comment, Tony feeling the sting of it as she said it. Clearly, the silence was no longer going to cut it.

" Zoe…" He started tentatively, Zoe staring at him with eyes that betrayed the face of calm she wore.

" What? What are you going to tell me? Spider, I am a lot of things, but gullible I am not."

" I wasn't going to say that, actually." Tony straightened up, ignoring the burning pain in his side, leaning forward to her. " Zoe, this is not what you think it is."

" Oh, this started long before your friend reappeared on the scene, Tony." Zoe stood, incensed, hands finding her hips " When I met you, I knew something was different, not just older, more life weary. I knew I was only getting half of you, that there were impossibly steep walls for me to climb, that there was something there that I would never get to know. I know we have missed a lot over the years, Tony, but I feel like I have missed so much with you that it is impossible to catch up, especially when you are so unwilling to let me in."

He was genuinely take aback by her reply, eyes widening at her statement, licking his lips almost nervously. " I have never hidden anything from you, Zoe. Never lied."

" No, but you lie constantly to yourself, don't you? You aren't any more normal than Gibbs, his boats and his bourbon. Your demons just have different faces." She stepped forward, pointing a finger. " You hide yourself in your work so you don't have to face yourself. You put on the mask of Special Agent Tony so that Anthony DiNozzo Junior does not have to exist. How am I supposed to love someone who lies every day to me like that? Who devotes himself to his work so completely that he has hidden everything else away." She paused, voice changing, swallowing harshly. "A man who lives so firmly in the past that I cannot possibly be in his future?" She stopped, breathing heavily, her anger practically radiating from her. Tony watched for a moment, before sighing and hanging his head.

" …I swear I did try, Zoe." He fiddled with his thumbs, refusing to look at her. " I wanted us to work. I wanted what we had to be good, I… I was so glad to see you that day in the park. This was never about my past, or about me. This was genuinely about moving forward, about finding whatever my 'forward' was. I really thought we could be good together, Zoe."

She looked at him, unmoving, clenching her jaw as she spoke again. " You can't have a future without making peace with your past, Tony. It was, and still is, abundantly clear that you haven't."

" I have tried." Tony stood with a slight wince, staring at her, a genuine look of guilt passing across his face. " As cliche as it sounds, it isn't you, it's me…"

" Well, that was crystal clear." Zoe raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. " So what now?"

" Well, I'm thinking of a large glass of cabernet sauvignon, to wash down my painkillers." His answer was received with an indignant huff, and Zoe turning on her heels, heading straight for the dining room. " Zoe! Hey, I was kidding!" She stopped, wheeling around to face him once more, anger bubbling.

" You make a joke out of everything, don't you! Would it kill you to actually treat this as though our relationship mattered to you?"

" It does matter!" Tony limped towards her, pushing past the nagging pain in his side. " It matters a lot." He paused, watching her for a moment, before continuing. " I just don't think I'm going to be able to give you the answers you want, or the relationship you deserve. I'm not the big white wedding, dog and 2.5 kids, picket fence kinda guy, Zoe. Never have been, never will be. It's not fair of me to try and pretend that's true, or ever will be true. Not programmed that way. Maybe it's best we call it a day before I lead you on and promise you something I don't think I can deliver.

She stared at him for a moment, expression somewhere between genuine surprise and outrage, before she gave him a curt nod, continuing to the dining room and lifting a hold all from the table. " You know, I was never expecting perfection, Tony. Wasn't looking for the fairytale romance. But I cannot love only half a man! A man who is so consumed by his work, by his demons, by his past, that I don't know where I fit anymore!omebody emotionally available, not still living and loving in his past would have been great."

" Hey, I told you, Ziva showing up-"

" This has _nothing_ to do with her showing up, although I do get the feeling sometimes that half your soul was left on that runway in Israel, and it hasn't made a return flight yet. That was just a catalyst for all of this, just bringing everything to the surface far quicker than it would have done." Zoe pointed a finger, voice cracking slightly, and Tony felt that pang of guilt sucker punch him. " This is about _you_ , Tony. Why don't you call me when you've figured out what you want, huh?"

She brushed past him, Tony recoiling as though she had hit him, and stalked out of the flat, slamming the door behind her, leaving a very cold and silent room. He watched the door for a moment, processing the events of the last 10 minutes, before glancing around. She had cleared all of her possessions from the room, and he suspected it would be the same for the entire apartment.

Call her when he'd figured out what he wanted? She was going to need a whole lifetime for that. She deserved better than this, better than him. Better than his bullshit excuses for ducking personal questions, for hiding his feelings in twisted metaphors and movie quotes. She deserved someone who could love her, and he was just not convinced he could. Not truly. Maybe he did love her, in one way or another, but it had not been that all consuming, head over heels, take a bullet for you kind of love. His mother had once told him that if it wasn't that kind of love, it wasn't a love worth having. It was unfair of him to take advantage of her. That's what he told himself as he limped back to the sofa, grabbing his phone from the rucksack next to him. He _deserved_ to be alone, deserved to suffer through his own pain, deserved to live with his demons because…

It suddenly struck him. This is what Ziva had said, all those years ago, in her family's home, in Israel. About creating monsters, hurting loved ones, keeping that cycle of pain going. He had sat and called bullshit on it them, but suddenly, he understood. Not that he was any more sympathetic, this was pain of his creation after all, but _goddamn_ he'd missed the boat on that one. _Way to go, DiNozzo_. He would never tell the Israeli she was right (they had still barely spoken, and her visits to the hospital had been short and curt) but it made sense. The penance, the martyrdom, the soul searching. He thumbed through his contacts, stopping at his most recently dialled, before lifting the phone to his ear.

" Boss? Yeah, about that help."


	10. Bachelorhood

It was late when Ziva pulled up at Gibbs' home. How late, she wasn't sure, but definitely late enough for nowhere to be open for a late night snack except the old staples of fast food. She tapped on the door lightly, slinking inside and closing it behind her, slipping her shoes off as she did. The house was dark, save for a chink of light at the gap in the door to the basement. She sighed, a smile finding her lips. He never did change.

" Gibbs? Are you here?" She received a gruff 'downstairs' from the basement stairwell, and chuckled lightly as she headed down. " I should have known. I wanted to speak to you, I-" She hesitated on the second from last step, hand wavering over the banister, glancing from Gibbs to Tony, and then back again. " Sorry, I did not realise you had company. I do not want to interrupt."

" Not interrupting anything, Ziver." Gibbs beckoned for her, putting down the plane in his hand. Tony almost dropped the small block of wood he had been chiselling at, watching her as she came into the light, before huffing slightly, turning back to the block of wood. Ziva raised an eyebrow, watching as he angrily attacked the wood once again, glancing to Gibbs, who said nothing, but offered her his usual subtle smile. " What d'ya need?"

" A…a word, perhaps. I…" She stopped again, eyes still on Tony, who had now managed to hack half of the wood from the block, sending flakes flying as he continued. " Tony, you are going to give yourself a spliffer doing that."

" You know, Agent David, a _spliffer_ wouldn't go amiss tonight, the mood I'm in. A splinter, however, is a different manner."

" Don't get any ideas, DiNozzo. Not in my basement, anyway."

" Wouldn't dream of it, Boss. A clean cut, good as gold, all American federal agent wouldn't think of it. He would think of another beer, though." He pushed himself off his stool, wavering slightly, before steadying himself, and pushing past Ziva to the stairs. She watched him hobble up them, tutting disapprovingly.

" Are you not supposed to be resting, Tony?"

" Lived this many years without a mother, Agent David. Don't need one now, thanks".

Ziva stared after his retreating back, before turning to Gibbs with a scowl, pointing a finger. " He will do himself another injury! Why does he insist on listening to no-one? What is wrong with him anyway, he is in an odd humour!" Gibbs glanced up from his work, looking to the empty doorway, before shrugging, going back to planing.

" Why don't you ask him?"

The simple question threw her. Why didn't she ask him? Because he had made it very clear in hospital that her presence was not welcome. Because they had barely spoken in her time in DC?

 _Because she was afraid of the answer?_

She turned on her heel, and marched up the stairs; Ziva David did not fear anything. Storming into the kitchen, she stopped at the doorway, Tony glancing towards her.

" What are you asking me?"

She rolled her eyes, folding her arms with a huff. " I was coming to check on you. You do not seem yourself." He took a swig of the newly opened beer, raising an eyebrow, before shrugging.

" Getting shot and spending a few weeks in hospital does that to a guy. Just readjusting to the outside world. Like I said, don't need mothered."

" I was not intending on mothering you, I-"

" Good. Then we're done here." Tony went to push past her, a hand rising to his chest to stop him. He paused in the doorway, turning to face her, Ziva looking up at him with genuine concern on her face.

" What is going on, Tony? You may be able to fool everyone else with that ridiculous grin, but not Gibbs, and certainly not me. You may choose to forget, but there was a point where I knew you better than you knew yourself!" He was tantalisingly close, only inches from her. _The last time they had been this close, she was sure he was dying, and the time before that, in Israel…_ Tony snapped her from her thoughts by gently pushing her hand from his chest, with a shrug.

" I don't choose to forget anything, Agent David."

" Ziva." She almost leant up to him, straightening up. _She had forgotten just how much taller he stood._ " It is Ziva." He watched her for a moment, before smirking slightly, still inches from her, close enough that she could hear his breath hitch before he replied.

" Oh, I know, _Zee-vah_." The very way her name rolled across his lips, in that distinctive Tony twang, the way he accentuated the beginning, gave her goosebumps. She studied him silently, eyes searching his face. He was older, the lines under his eyes heavier, but she sensed even his very soul was older too. Neither moved for what seemed like an age, before Tony shrugged, taking another swig of his beer, a smile that did not reach his eyes finding his lips. " I am here seeking advice from the eternal bachelor that is Leroy Jethro Gibbs, as to how to act in my new bachelorhood. You're more than welcome to join if misery is the companion you fancy."

" Bachelorhood?" It took her moment before it clicked, a wave of surprise rushing over her. " You and Zoe are no longer together?"

"Well," Tony started, swirling his beer to keep his eyes occupied, " she walked out on me. But I imagine that yes, that insinuates that we have broken up. Apparently, I don't know what I want in life, and I am only 'half a man' because of it. Something about leaving half my soul on a runway in Israel."

Ziva stared at him, his words washing over her, before shaking her head. " No, no, I will speak to her. I am sorry, I did not mean to cause you and her any trouble, I-"

" S'not about you, Ziva." She looked to him once again, his expression softened and he shrugged, voice quieter. " She told me this was long before you came. Apparently, I've changed, and I still need to keep changing until I find what I am looking for. Zoe deserved better than to be dragged through that, through me trying to find whatever is missing. Especially if that is the other half of my soul, the old Anthony DiNozzo, that I left on the tarmac. Sometimes I feel there's nothing more than a trace left of him."

He looked at her, cocking his head to one side as he considered her, watching her carefully. She too had changed since they had parted in Israel. She was older, but her eyes shone with a life he had not seen for many years before she had left. What had she done with herself during those years they had not spoken? Had she followed her list, the list they had sat and written in the sunshine, and buried beneath the trees? It was strange to him, seeing her, but not recognising her, he felt as though he barely knew her anymore. It was like meeting a blank canvas, with the trace of faint pencil marks left after someone had scrubbed them so carelessly from it. Lines he had drawn there, marks he had made, words he had traced with his fingers and heart.

"Perhaps that is all that remains now, Tony. A trace. Or maybe there is a something more." She watched him, before looking away, a finger finding a curl of hair to twist in. There was silence for a moment, before heavy footsteps came from the stairs to the basement, and Gibbs appeared, raising an eyebrow as they looked at him.

" Boat ain't gonna build itself, DiNozzo."

" Right, Boss. I was just…yeah. On it." He brushed past Ziva, saying nothing more, and disappeared back down the stairs to the basement, Ziva sighing heavily after he disappeared.

" This was me, Gibbs. I caused that. I said I was staying away, to change, to stop causing hurt, and this has proven it. I am here 5 minutes and look at what I am causing."

" You're assuming that you coming back caused that?"

Ziva blinked, confusion wrinkling her face. " Well, what else would it be? You heard Tony, he-"

" On the runway in Israel. Not in the last 2 weeks. Not even in the last month." She stared at him, eyes widening, before looking away, licking her lips almost nervously.

" That was many years ago Gibbs, you cannot think that that alone could-"

" You heard DiNozzo, Ziver," Gibbs started, heading to the kitchen and retrieving two beers, before returning to stand at the top of the stairs, " He doesn't forget. Think not hearing from you was the hardest part for him. You know how he is." He offered her the beer, smile returning once more. " Could use a hand with the boat. And the company."

Ziva hesitated, before taking the bear, laughing lightly before giving him a wry grin. " Is that you or Tony?" Gibbs chuckled lightly, heading down the stairs, Ziva following closely behind.

" Well…"

" I'll have you know DiNozzos make excellent carpenters, Officer or Agent David."

" Just not this one. Make a better paratrooper than a carpenter."

" Very funny, Boss."


	11. An Offer

Tony did not return to work the following day, nor the day after that. In fact, as Ziva had noted, he had been noticeably absent entirely. Her phone calls and texts to him had gone unanswered, Bishop had no response to emails, and McGee had no response when knocking his apartment door. When quizzed, Gibbs was his usual stoic self; _he just needs time, Ziver._. That meant that he had spoken to him, she mused, but told her nothing more about how he was. Gibbs had moved her into the spare desk behind McGee, and it was here she sat, pondering. Tim peeked over the divider, Ziva offering him a smile.

" I am okay, McGee."

" Just making sure you are still alive. Wouldn't want to explain to Gibbs." She laughed lightly, swinging back in the chair, glancing over to the empty desk in the corner. Tim caught her looked, and sighed, grinning at her. " Too quiet without him, isn't it? I never thought the day would come when I said I missed his smug face but I do."

" Do not let him hear you say that. We do not want his head to be more inflated than it already is."

" This is like when he was on that special assignment for Jarvis all over again. Not knowing, not seeing him. I know he's probably doing fine but still."

Ziva was quiet, nodding in agreement. The whole Watcher debacle, chasing EJ, Tony ending up in hospital, it seemed like a whole lifetime ago…and yet, she could still remember seeing him walk back through the doors for the first time.

" It is not the same. We know he is well."

" Then where is he? Ducky hasn't seen him, Vance can't be hiding him in his office-"

" No, I'm not, Agent McGee." Tim jumped, Vance descending from the last steps, as Ziva stood up. " But I do have some news for you, both of you."

" Director?" Tim frowned, standing up to join Ziva, Vance smiling gently.

" Miss David. I know you have been enjoying your time back in DC. I've had great feedback from several agents about the help you have provided." Ziva blushed gently, nodding as Vance spoke.

" It has been a pleasure being back in Washington, Director."

" I know you were a sore loss to Team Gibbs." Vance paused, watching both agents, before continuing. " I'd like to keep you on a little longer, _Agent_ David. I feel we haven't quite wrapped up all the loose ends from this last case, and I think it might come back to bite us." Ziva stared at him, blinking, before stammering an answer.

" Director, that is a very kind offer, but I have commitments at home, I have a job at home-"

" I've already spoken to our Israeli friends, and agreed that I can offer you a one year position with us. I know the terms that you left on several years ago, and I don't want to push you into anything permanent. This way you can get a taste for NCIS life again, and if it's not for you, you are free to return home." Vance paused once again, before straightening up with a gentle smile. " You're a good agent, Miss David, and I would be pleased to have you back on our team."

Once again, Ziva fell silent, staring at Vance, before looking to McGee. Tim beamed at her enthusiastically, something she couldn't help but chuckle at. His grin however, slowly started to fall, brow furrowing.

" Director? Team Gibbs already has 4 agents assigned…"

" 3, Agent McGee."

" Oh. Is Agent Bishop returning to the NSA?"

Vance stiffened slightly, squaring his shoulders.

" No, she isn't. A position has come up for a Senior Field Agent, which I was reliably informed you would be excellent for, Tim. That leaves me an agent down."

Both agents stared at him, before looking to each other. Ziva spoke first, looking back at Vance with wide eyes.

" _Tony_ …"

" Agent DiNozzo has been reassigned at his own request. He is currently preparing for his new role, and we will be needing a Senior Field Agent while he is gone."

" _Gone_?! Just where is he going?" Ziva blurted out the words louder than she had intended, Vance raising an eyebrow.

" I thought Agent DiNozzo might have informed you, Agent David. He has taken a position with our training and liaison team in Europe."

 _Europe._ The word bounced around her head, almost burning her ears. Tony, leaving for Europe? Her mind ran on overdrive; she was being asked to stay, just as he was leaving. She was vaguely aware of McGee continuing to speak, as her mind reeled.

" Tony's been pretty quiet of late. I thought it was just after what happened, but I guess with this coming up, it makes sense. Wow."

" I think you'll agree it is a great opportunity for him, Tim. He's a talented agent, and I'm pleased he will be showcasing some of the finest the Washington NCIS team has to offer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment in MTAC. Let Gibbs know I was looking for him, if you see him."

The director excused himself with a smile, McGee turning to the still silent Ziva, putting a hand on her shoulder. " Ziva? You still with us?"

She looked at him, almost shell shocked. "He is going to _Europe._ Not just on assignment. He is going there to work, to live, he is leaving Washington."

Tim nodded at her words, allowing her to speak, before shrugging. " I guess that's what he felt he had to do. He was pretty cut up about Zoe."

" Tim, NCIS is his _life_. Washington, the Navy Yard, this is where he belongs. This is his _home._ "

"Well…" McGee stumbled, pulling a face. " Maybe he needs a change? You know Tony, he's never been one to stay still, and he's not been the same since…well, in a long time."

" Since Israel. Since _me._ " Tim was silenced, staring at her, Ziva turning to him with burning eyes. " This is me, Tim. Again! This is hurt that I cause, hurt that I have created with my own hands. He cannot do this, it is absurdity." She grabbed a set of keys from her desk, slinging her bag over her shoulder, and making a beeline for the elevator.

" H-Hey, Ziva! Where are you going?!"

" To stop him from doing something he will later regret, with his pigheaded, stubborn ways! I swear, he and Gibbs are cut from the same quilt!"

" It's…." McGee started, but trailed off as she stormed into the elevator, thumping the buttons as the doors closed, and he sighed, shaking his head.


	12. Silence

_A/N: WELL, this turned out to be much longer than I had ever expected. I intend for this to be the finale chapter for 'Trace'... to be continued in another story? I guess we will have to see! Thank you kindly for all of the view, reviews and comments, I read each one and it is nice to know that someone enjoys reading as much as I enjoy writing these two! Thanks as well to those that stuck with me, even after my muse abandoned me - she is back with a vengeance, so I intend to take full advantage!_

 _The end is a quote from a fantastic writer called Nikita Gill, who has many works that fit both Tony and Ziva separately, and together. She has a great tumblr called meanwhilepoetry that I would definitely suggest checking out._

 _See you on the other side!_

* * *

Ziva sat outside the apartment block for what seemed an age, before plucking up the courage to venture inside. Carefully climbing the stairs, she approached Tony's door, surprised when it was already propped open. She froze at the raised voices on the other side, taking a few steps back.

" Look, I didn't mean for this to happen like this, you gotta believe me on that one."

" I don't know what to believe anymore, Tony. First the shooting, then the sudden soul searching, and now you are off on an open ended trip to Europe, just like that!"

" I think they're all kind of intertwined personally…"

Ziva leant against the wall, closing her eyes as the arguing continued. Zoe sounded furious, and this was not an argument she wished to witness.

" Yeah, well, when you find whatever it is you think you're going to in Europe, don't bother letting me know. Especially if it's the bed sheets of various Italian women."

There was a scoff from Tony, and another thud against the floor; a bag being packed.

" Zoe, it is _definitely_ not about that."

" So it's about you running from your problems then. That's great. Tell you what, don't bother calling when you get back. I am nobody's second choice, Tony. We could have had something good together."

" I know." He did sound genuinely apologetic, to his credit. " I appreciate the good times we had together, and I'm truly sorry for putting you through this. I don't want to-"

" To lead me on. Yeah, Tony, I heard you the first time. Can't help but feel I'm still being led on, but I suppose that just goes with the territory."

There was a pregnant pause, more shuffling sounding from inside the apartment, before the door was thrown fully open, Ziva ducking down the side wall to hide.

" Well, I guess this is goodbye."

" Yeah, I suppose it is."

" If I find anything that is yours, I'll-"

" Chuck it. If I haven't missed it already, it ain't important."

" Can't help but feel there's a metaphor in that…"

Zoe scoffed slightly, before storming off, footsteps echoing down the corridor as she did so, Tony's door closing as she did. Ziva waited for her footsteps to disappear, before approaching the white door, hesitating, before knocking. There was an audible groan from inside, footsteps heading for the door.

" Zoe, look, I think it's better if we just-" He fell silent as he opened the door, eyes falling on his guest. " Agent David. Sorry, I was just…"

" I know. I heard."

" Oh. Eavesdropping's still a hobby then, huh?"

There was a flush of red about her cheeks, before she snapped back. " I did not eavesdrop, I was simply coming to visit you."

Tony raised an eyebrow, watching her. " To visit me? Well, I don't need any visitors, so you know, the door's that way." He turned, shutting the door as he did, Ziva wedged her foot between it and the doorframe. Tony groaned turning back to her, as she pushed the door back open.

" Tony. Please. I wish to speak to you."

He looked at her, before letting go of the door with a sigh, opening it wide enough to allow her to slip inside, before closing it once more. " So, what's this about? You've been pestering me enough all week, you and McGossip. Told you last time we talked, I don't need mothered."

" This is not about mothering! This about friends, friends who care for each other." She paused, licking her lips nervously, before continuing. " Friends who stop each other from making mistakes they will regret."

" Ah. So you've heard then." Tony sauntered over to the counter, picking up his beer and taking a swig. " McGee'll make an excellent Senior Agent, he's been probie'd for long enough."

" And do you really think this is right? You disappearing off to another continent, giving up your life here?"

" Well, it seemed to be the right choice when you made it, _Zee-vah_." It was said with none of the tenderness that had been apparent the last time they had spoken; this time it was sarcastic, almost bitter. She bristled at his words, pursing her lips.

" I was returning home. Not to a foreign country."

" I thought we were your home. Wasn't that what your new passport said?" Ziva flinched at the last statement, licking her lips once again. It was clear, despite their conversation at Gibbs', he was still angry.

" This is not about me, Tony. This is about you. You were always good at deflecting your problems, but this time, this is about you."

" Mh." She got no other reply than that, as he disappeared back through to the kitchen. She sighed irritably, glancing around, noticing that the room bore three large suitcases, as well as various piles of clothing.

" You cannot be serious about this."

" Oh…" Tony reappeared, leaning against the doorframe. " Deadly. I don't see what the problem is. I think it'll be good for me."

Ziva approached him, face set in a scowl. " And what about everyone else, huh?" Tony considered her for a moment, raising an eyebrow.

" You didn't seem to when you didn't want to be found."

" I did what I did to protect those that I cared about! I needed to hide, I needed to return to Israel, to find who I was! To stop myself from becoming a monster, slipping further into that abyss! I had just lost my father, and I needed to know who and what I was!"

" So I guess I didn't factor into who you were, then. Guess I just wasn't important enough. Would explain the lack of communication. Not more subtle a way to send a hint than to not speak to someone for several years."

The comment knocked the wind from her, and she stared at him, taken aback by the hurt and anger that it spoke. It took her a moment, before she laughed slightly, looking at him, biting back the lump in her throat that threatened to betray her.

" You thought you were not important, Tony? You thought that I did not live in a state of guilt, of heart break, for making the decision that I did? Did you really think that I could just forget you? Forget what had happened, forget the _years_ we spent together, forget what you put yourself through to save me from myself, multiple times? That you repeatedly put yourself last, and me first, that you risked everything from your job to your life to save me? How could I forget that?" She laughed slightly, swallowing, before quickly wiping at her eyes, straightening up. " Like you, Tony, I do not forget. I also have regrets, and I genuinely thought I was doing the best thing by leaving. Now, it seems, perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I did not have to leave to find myself. Perhaps those traces, those lines so delicately drawn on my heart, they could have been what saved me." She was silent, not looking at him, frowning before she continued. " I do not want our family to lose you. _I_ do not want to lose you again, Tony."

" You don't get to make that decision."

" I am trying to help you!" Her patience snapped, and she grabbed him by the shirt, the very ghost of tears forming in the corners of her eyes. " You are hurting people by leaving! Not just me! You are hurting yourself, and for what?! To prove what?!" Tony looked down at her, a flash of anger in his own eyes, and he snapped a reply, ignoring the roar in his head that this was wrong, that this argument was wrong, the tears on her eyes were wrong wrong _wrong_.

" Because I want to. Because I want to do what I think is best for me, for once. Why can't you let me have that, huh? I left you! You asked, and I left. I told you I was fighting for you, I begged for you to come home with me, and still, when you asked, I honoured your request, and I got on that damn plane!" He bit back the rapidly rising lump in his throat, choking out a response. " And it was the hardest 180 of my life after all. I barely slept. I drank. I _missed_ you, Ziva. Every second of every damn day. Leaving you was the most unnatural thing in the world. I _failed_. I failed you, I failed me, I failed _us._ All because you asked me to. And I'd do it again, over and over, if you asked me. I would trace those lines again, because that is what love is. Letting something that you love go, and if it doesn't come back, it was never yours."

" And yet…" her voice was tiny, her hands slowly letting go of his shirt, " here I am."

He stared at her, dark eyes meeting his, and he grabbed her. It was instinctive, something _primal,_ that he could not compete with or ignore. A hand curled into her hair, fingers tangling in the soft curls, the other finding her cheek, cupping her face, as their lips crashed together, hungry, urgent. She grabbed him once more, a hand curling in his shirt, the other drifting from his cheek, along his jaw, and settling on his collarbone. They parted slowly, almost regretfully, Tony's hand lingering on her cheek. Ziva looked up at him, opening her mouth to speak, before her lip started to tremble, and she gave way to the falling tears, a sob escaping her. He said nothing, simply pulling her against his chest, burying his face against her head, breathing her in, and hushing her gently.

They stayed that way for a long time, until Ziva's breaths had evened out, and she slowly pulled away enough to look up at him, eyes rimmed red, his thumb wiping the last of the tears from her cheeks.

" Zi…I've gotta go…"

She nodded wordlessly, biting her lip and biting back the next tear that threatened, before gently pushing herself away from him, composing herself as best she could. She glanced around the flat, before looking back at him, her eyes speaking words she could not. Tony gave her a small, sad smile, before tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

" Be back before you know it." Ziva nodded, taking a deep breath, before he continued. " Besides, you have a new life to build once more, DC to rediscover."

" I said I was giving up the badge, Tony, a long time ago."

" You went back to Mossad…" She bristled at his comment, and he hastily continued. " But that means you have a year to decide what you are going to do with your life."

" If I choose to stay or not." He stared at her, feeling his stomach flip, before nodding slowly.

" Or what job you want to do when you do stay…Told you before, you can bag groceries for all I care." That earned him a gentle chuckle from her, and she looked at him with a twinkle in her eyes that he had not seen for many, many years.

" I suppose we shall see, won't we? You will need to come back first." Tony shrugged with a chuckle, offering her a soft smirk.

" I'll just have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind me to follow home, won't I?"

* * *

He left early, the morning sun still bright when the roar of the engines broke the serene calm, and with a glint, the jet disappeared into the sky, leaving behind only a trail of vapour. She watched it climb higher and higher, until she could see it no more, and only then did she turn and head back to the carpark. Once she was safely in the car, she allowed herself to cry, to finally let the mask slip. The letter in her hand had explicit instructions not to be opened until 8.31am (exactly, she noted), and as the clock on her dashboard changed, she carefully opened it. Inside was a detailed list of place names and dates: _Naples, Rome, Ankara, Crete, Rota, Marseille, London_ , the list went on. She memorised it, soaking in the details, the trace of his aftershave lingering on the paper. At the bottom, in his familiar looping scrawl, was written a short message, that made the smile on her face grow, a tear trickling down her cheek and hitting the paper.

 _In all this noise that makes up my life, you are the silence I have always craved. - T x_


End file.
